DOUG'S SERMON JOKES #1
Jokes from the Pulpit
I think I mentioned when I first started posting my sermons that this all started with a friend who encouraged me to publish my sermons. I don’t know if I will ever do that in an official way but posting sermons to Substack is a first step. When I initially had the discussion with my friend and I hesitated he said, “Well at least publish the jokes you used to tell.”
I think I promised somewhere along the line of these Substack posts that I would do just that and so today is my first installment. Once in awhile I will publish 10 or so jokes that I used in my sermons. Very often that is how I would start my sermon. It put me at ease and my hope was it would also set the congregation at ease to listen to me. The unfortunate part of it all was most often the people would remember the jokes but not the sermon. Oh well.
Apparently, when I knew the source of the joke I would include it in the sermon but it is evident that I didn’t know or remember the source in most cases. I sure hope I never get in trouble for that. One thing you can know for certain is that I am not the source of any of the jokes I told. So ….. here goes. Oh, and by the way, since I borrowed these jokes you are free to use them as well (and get in trouble along with me).
A salesman, on his way to work, noticed a young boy trying to sell a puppy. The salesman felt sorry for the boy and knew the boy didn’t “See It Big” as he had been taught as a successful salesperson. He stopped and said, “Son, do you really want to sell this dog?”
The boy nodded.
“Well you’re never going to sell him until you learn to See It Big. Take this dog home, clean him up, raise your price, make people think they’re getting something big, and you’ll sell him.”
That noon the salesman came by and there was the boy with the puppy groomed and perfumed, alongside a big sign: TREEMENNDOUS Puppy For Sale—$5,000.
The salesman realized he had forgotten to tell the boy about Keeping It Simple so that evening he stopped by to tell the boy the other half of the formula, only to discover that the boy and puppy were gone and the sign had “SOLD” written across it in big letters.
The salesman couldn’t believe it. This kid couldn’t have sold the dog for $5,000. His curiosity led him to ring the boy’s doorbell. The boy came to the door and the salesman blurted, “Son did you really sell that dog for $5,000?”
The boy replied, “Yes, sir, I did. Thank you for all your help.”
The salesman asked, “How in the world did you do it?”
The boy replied, “Oh, it was easy. I just took two $2,500 cats in exchange!” (Charles E. Jones, Life Is Tremendous)
It seems that three women were standing at heaven’s gates and were asked to show proof of their faith. The first women was Baptist. She brought from her satchel a well-worn leather Bible, with a broken spine and a very worn cover. St. Peter was pleased and invited her in. The second women was a Roman Catholic nun. She brought from her purse a string of wooden rosary beads. The beads were worn thin and smooth from much use. Once again, St. Peter smiled and ushered in the woman. He turned to the third woman. She was a Methodist. She carefully unwrapped a fairly large quilted bundle - corner by corner by corner. It was a covered hot-dish - a green bean casserole with cream of mushroom soup no less. We’re not sure what happened to her.
A mother was teaching her 3-year old daughter the Lord’s Prayer. Every night, at bedtime, she repeated after her mother the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. Mom listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: “Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some E-mail.”
Early one morning a woman made a mad dash out of the house when she heard the garbage truck pulling away. She was still in her ragged bathrobe. Her hair was wrapped in big curlers. Her face was covered with cream. She was wearing a beat-up, old pair of slippers. When she reached the sidewalk, she called out, “Am I too late for the garbage?” The reply came back, “No, hop right in.”
There’s a story about a famous preacher who was a bit of a fraud. His sermons were great - people were moved by what he said, but no one ever realized that, in fact, they’d all been written by the staff assistant. Finally the assistant’s patience ran out. One particular day the preacher was speaking to thousands of expectant listeners and at the bottom of page two read the stirring words, “And this takes us to the very heart of the book of Habakkuk, which is…” As he turned to page three he saw written by hand in very large letters, “You’re on your own now.”
There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of Indiana … Rufus and Clarence. They lived on opposites sides of the river, and they hated each other. Every morning, for almost twenty years, just after sun-up Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other. “Rufus!” Clarence would shout. “You better thank your lucky stars I can’t swim…. or I’d swim this river and tie your ears together. “Clarence!” Rufus would shout back “You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I can’t swim… or I’d swim this river and tie YOUR ears together.”
One day the Army Corps of Engineers came along and built a bridge. Still, every morning, this yelling went on between the two men. Finally … his wife, Maggie, had enough. “Rufus! I can’t take no more! All these years you’ve been threatening to tie Clarence’s ears together. Well, there’s the bridge… have at it.”
Rufus thought about it awhile, snapped his suspenders, and headed off the porch. He walked down to the river, came to the bridge, walked about halfway over the bridge, looked up … turned tail and ran screaming back to the house, slammed the door, bolted the windows and dove under the bed!
“Rufus!” cried Maggie. “I thought you were going to go take care of Clarence?” “I was. I was.” “Well, what in the world is the matter?” “Well,” muttered Rufus, “I went to the bridge … I stepped on the bridge … walked halfway over the bridge … looked up …. and, there above me was a sign that said, ‘Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches.’ “Maggie, he never looked that big from this side of the river.”
Did you hear about the boy who was preparing to come home for Christmas? He had failed all his college work. He emailed his mother: “Failed everything; Prepare Dad.” His mother emailed back, “Dad prepared; Prepare yourself.”
Emma’s 3rd grade class was having a test. One of the questions asked: “what do hibernating animals subsist on during the winter?” Emma thought for a few minutes and then wrote: “All winter long, hibernating animals subsist on the hope of a coming spring!”
A young minister in Kentucky was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the country, never before used. The young preacher was not familiar with the backwoods and got lost. Because his pride would not allow him to stop and ask for directions he arrived an hour late.
He saw the backhoe, the open grave - no hearse - and the digging crew eating lunch. After apologizing to the workers, the preacher stepped to the side of the open grave where he saw the vault lid already in place. He assured the workers it would not take long but he had to do the proper thing before burial. The workers gathered around the grave and stood silently. The preacher poured out his heart and soul about 'a brighter tomorrow' and 'the glory that is to come.' The men began to shout 'Amen' and 'Praise the Lord!' That spurred the preacher on to preach like he had never preached before. He ended the sermon with a prayer, thanked the men, and walked to his car. As he opened the door he heard one of the workers say 'I ain't NEVER seen nothin' like that before, and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for thirty years!'
By the way, did you hear about the cow that saw a billboard advertising homogenized, no-fat, vitamin enriched, fortified milk with extra calcium in a flavor tight bottle … and felt inadequate?
Loved the jokes!